Today in stupid news...
A note on this, the first edition of Tuesday news: I won't be featuring any stories involving stupidity and the Coronavirus. After weeks and weeks of basically hearing about idiots believing they can't get it/it's a hoax, stubborn clergy infecting their flock by holding gatherings despite the danger, and greedy politicians who place the almighty dollar above the welfare of their constituents all the stories start to sound identical. So you won't find anything about that here. In the meantime, stay safe, smart, and out of the news. We'll get through this, people!
They're the Pirates Who Won't Shit Anything
In a story that could only happen in Wisconsin, a string of cheese robberies have plagued the area of Oak Creek. The first reported case happened a few months ago when a trailer of cheese was stolen 30 miles North of the town followed by another theft 120 miles North in Grand Chute where Parmesan cheese had been taken. Now a third theft occurred in which a semi carrying 20,000 pounds of cheese disappeared from a parking storage area Friday morning. Sounds like the boys in bleu might have a fetarel case on their hands... no? Fine!
An Advanced Education
A religious private school in Hull, England issued apologies to parents after it was discovered students ranging in age from 11 to 14 years old were given a home school assignment that involved Googling terms like hardcore porn, genital mutilation, and breast ironing. The Personal, Social and Health Education class also covered the subjects of drugs, alcohol, smoking, and human trafficking. While some parents say the lessons are good for children to learn, others are horrified speculating the results their preteens would have found had they done an online search to complete the assignment. Archbishop Sentamu Academy says the students were not expected to do independent research online.
It's the Thought That Counts
Daniel Varey of Manchester, England was inspired to do something special for his girlfriend, Haley's 30th birthday since they'd be spending it under quarantine. With the unsuspecting woman sitting beside him, Daniel stealthily and quickly ordered a gin glass that was to have etched on it "Happy 30th birthday princess, love you millions." He also added a note to the company requesting it be delivered by Monday the 18th as that's her actual birthday. Happily, the glass arrived on time and in pretty packaging too. But when the time came for Haley to open her gift, she could not stop laughing at what she'd received. Crushed and confused, Daniel wanted to know what was so funny.
Apparently, in his rush to get the order out without being seen, Daniel had accidentally mixed up the delivery instruction box with the personalization box. All's well that ends well though.
"The gin glass 100% cheered her up, she couldn’t stop laughing." Daniel said. "It came gift wrapped so I didn’t see it before she opened it and I was like what the hell is wrong with you? I’ve put my heart and soul into that glass! Then she showed it to me and I was mortified!"
Hayley found the glass absolutely hilarious, chalking up the incident as something that could only happen to them, and has already used the glass multiple times.
When the Mouth Writes Checks the Body Can't Cash
Controversy seems to follow 69 year old self proclaimed tai chi master, Ma Baoguo who apparently likes to insult and challenge MMA fighters, including UFC straw weight champion Zhang Weilli and "Mad Dog" Xu Xiaodong. Xu accepted the challenge but Ma allegedly called the cops to arrest Xu prior to their fight since technically it was an illegal bout. Recently, Ma entered the ring with an amateur fighter and former martial arts coach 20 years his junior. Thirty seconds after the fight began the younger man reportedly looked perplexed as he stood over his unconscious opponent after thoroughly handing him his ass.
Social distancing isn't just for diseases, Boo Boo!
With zoos being closed around the world the news has been lacking stories about chuckleheads getting mauled by animals for a selfie. Not to be outdone, within days of reopening Yellowstone Park has reported an incident where a woman was attacked by a bison after getting too close near the famous geyser, Old Faithful. The woman was treated for her injuries at the scene but refused to go to the hospital. Visitors to the park are advised to stay at least 25 yards away from large animals including elk, bison, deer, moose, bighorn sheep, and coyotes, and at least 100 yards away from bears and wolves because people are stupid and apparently have to be told to stay away from wild animals that have horns, hooves, and sharp teeth.
Douche of the Week
This award goes to whoever decided to vandalize a special needs park in Michigan. Scarlet's Playground is designed so that children of all needs and abilities can play together in Dodge Park located in Commerce Township, MI. It was named after Scarlet, a baby diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy and granddaughter of local tv anchor Stephen Clark and his wife Larenne. Because Scarlet is in a wheelchair she is unable to interact on traditional playgrounds with other children, which brought the situation to her grandparents' attention. Their labor of love has been under construction and was ready to open when it was discovered some douche nozzle used bolt cutters to damage and destroy the playground's equipment. Congratulations, stranger, you are a colossal douche! May Karma shove her size 12 boot right up your ass.
O hai Florida Man!
And finally, it wouldn't be stupid news if Florida Man didn't make an appearance. So, here's a video of a weird paint fight with Florida Man and friends outside a Home Depot in Tampa.
